It has been hard these past few days. Uncertainty hit me hard. The thing I’m most scared about having all my life plans ruined is now in front of my face. Slowly I’m drowned deep in the ocean and it feels difficult to reach the surface.
Yes, I am f*cked.
I really hate the fact that there are only a few little things in life humans could control. Sometimes, I do not understand how humans live. We were told that we could not choose our life when we were born. We were chosen to be alive since we were inside our mom’s tummy. That is our fate as humans. But, we were also told that we take control of creating the life we want when we grow up. Bill Gates once said, “If you are born poor it’s not your mistake, but if you die poor it’s your mistake”. Alright, Gates. I got you, but have you ever seen someone who was born poor and still being poor even though how hard he was trying? Have you taken into account the factor of luck and fate — a factor that is not under human control — that keeps humans to be who they want to be?
One of my weaknesses is trying to control everything. That’s why, I love planning things. I love planning what I want to do in a day; what kind of future I want to have; when I want to settle down; how much savings should I have in my account; everything. I love routine because it gives me a sense of certainty. The sense that everything is under control. What comes next? Expectations and as you probably know, expectations kill.
I hate the fact that people told you not to have expectations, put your low expectation, or you name it. At the same time, we are responsible for our own life. We have dreams and it is natural. I have our own idealism yet so many things couldn’t I control. So much uncertainty haunted me in everything I do. I feel restless. How can I reach tranquility?
When my life is such a plot twist, I am screaming to God.
Why this is happening to me?
Why every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is suddenly turning dark again?
What have I done to deserve this?
I still can not accept when my world turns upside down, even though I always say this phrase in each of my prayers “Be it unto me according to thy will.” Darkness is the place where I hide. I won’t be able to put myself together. That is the worst phase.
What motivates me to keep living is scared of the afterlife. I chose to live my life day-by-day just for the sake of living. I distract my own thought with work, talking with friends, watching cat videos and memes. I still cry sometimes when I want to. Eventually, I am here today alive and feeling better than yesterday. That is the much-better phase.
So, my two cents is that when you feel like you are blocked up and seem there is nowhere to go, you get to (1) surround yourself with people/things you are comfortable with; (2) let time heals you; (3) know that your life is f*cked since the day you were born and life is a phase.
Do I have an answer to my question “How can I reach tranquility?”
Honestly, no. I do not know. Lots of article says about meditation, mindset, stoicism, etc. I believe it is back to every individual — what works better for you? And you might find practicing meditation works for today but sometimes not for tomorrow. But, that is fine because, in the end, you will be fine, yet it takes time.